Darren, Male, 53

	- Narrator, retired, father of Gwen and Victoria (Vic)

	- 5'11, beige skin, 195lbs, cropped greying brown hair

Audrey, Female, 16

	- High school senior, daughter of Duncan and Theresa

	- 5'9, pale skin, 140lbs, light-green eyes, straight auburn hair over her shoulders

Gwen, Female, 16

	- High school sophomore, daughter of Darren, sister of Victoria

	- 5'6, beige skin, 135lbs, shoulder-length wavy black hair

Victoria (Vic), Female, 14

	- High school freshman, daughter of Darren, sister of Gwen

	- 5'4, beige skin, 120lbs, wavy neck-length light-brown hair

Rainey, Female, 47

	- Night nurse

	- 5'8, 155lbs, beige skin, blue eyes, shoulder-length auburn hair

Joyce, Female, early-80s

	- Wife of Herman, grandmother of Audrey, mother of Theresa

	- 5'6, beige skin, 115lbs, bobbed salt-and-pepper hair

Herman, Male, early-80s

	- Husband of Joyce, grandfather of Audrey, father of Theresa

	- 6'0, beige-olive skin, 180lbs, thin short gray hair

Theresa, Female, mid-50s

	- Mother of Audrey, widow of Duncan

	- 5'7, pale skin, 150lbs, shoulder-length auburn hair

Rainey was up by the time I got back to the hotel and, after gathering my daughters, we ate at an American cafe a few blocks from where we were staying. We were all feeling a bit odd, the time difference and strange sleep cycles messing with our general equilibriums. But we were all excited enough to be in Tokyo that we trooped on, catching a cab down to the famous Tsukiji Market where some of the freshest fish was sold to restaurants and resellers. We wandered slowly for an hour or so, and I loved the place. Barkers and handlers and mongers converged together to do business in fresh fish and seafood, and the array of different offerings was simply astounding.

We ate sushi from a couple of different stalls, got dumplings from another, and drank green tea to wash it all down. By the time we were ready to leave, it was well after two in the afternoon.

I called Audrey but got no answer, so I tried Joyce and the woman picked up. “Oh, hi Darren!” I could almost feel the woman's arms hugging me from a distance. “Are you interested in an evening dinner with the four of us tonight? My husband and I would like to treat everyone to a special meal. We already have reservations for eight of us at seven-fifteen at a place called Hakushu, and I just can't take no for an answer, so will you and your girls and your partner be joining us?”

As usual, Joyce spoke so quickly and without pauses that I had no chance to say a word until she finally had to take a breath. “Sounds good, Joyce, and thank you. Should we meet you there?”

“Yes. My daughter will be leaving work a little early to go home to shower and then the four of us will leave from there. We should be a little early, they won't seat us until everyone has arrived.”

“I'll be sure we get there earlier.”

“Wonderful, Darren. Tell they girls and Rainey hello and I will see you this evening.”

- - -

We returned to the hotel and showered and relaxed a bit. I drank scotch while Rainey sipped a Japanese lager. Gwen and Vic had enough time to swim in the pool before changing into the best evening clothing they'd brought. The four of us gathered in front of the hotel awaiting our cab.

The ride took less than ten minutes and we were almost a half-hour ahead of schedule. Rainey and I held hands and talked while Gwen and Vic checked their phones. Gwen's boyfriend, Pete, had been messaging her since we'd left Houston, but the difference in time zones meant that they weren't online together most of the time. I could tell Gwen missed him, and I honestly thought it was sweet when she sighed and said, “I wish Pete was here...”

“Maybe next time,” I replied.

“You'd let me bring Pete on our next vacation?”

I shrugged, “If he behaves and things work out, maybe. I'd have to talk to his parents, of course.”

“Oh, they'll be fine with it,” she assured me with more confidence than was warranted.

It occurred to me that my conversation with Audrey early that morning had been different. She never said that she wished Travis had come. I didn't know if it was because the dynamic of our relationship made her hold back from voicing that thought, or perhaps, I considered, maybe Audrey hadn't actually wanted Travis to join her on the trip. I wasn't sure which way to read things, but decided, again, it was no longer my business to look too deeply into Audrey's concerns. I felt a twinge of sadness, though, at the idea that maybe she wasn't as happy as she deserved to be.

Theresa, Joyce, Herman, and Audrey pulled up in a cab a few minutes before our reservation. Audrey looked stunning. Not that that was unusual. She could be wearing baggy sweatpants and a ratty shirt and I'd still think that she looked beautiful. But this night, she wore a long red dress dress with silk along the top, strapless, just a hit of rounded breasts and an inch or so of cleavage visible. Her hair had been softened and curled near the ends, a few carefully-placed bangs overhanging her face. Audrey's makeup was simple and modest, making her look a bit older than sixteen. My heart skipped a beat on first glance, and I hoped that Rainey had not noticed my reaction.

We were seated on time around a hibachi grill, me on one end next to Rainey, my daughters, Joyce, Herman, and Theresa in the middle, Audrey opposite me on the other end of the table.

Hakushu was a high-end steakhouse and well-rated, according to Joyce, the woman talking endlessly about the restaurant and then their day spent wandering downtown Tokyo. No one else even had a chance to speak until the chef arrived and prepared the grill. I ordered the steak and shrimp, as did Rainey.

The grill was soon steaming and sizzling with meat and seafood, onions and zucchini, the aroma of garlic and ginger quickly making my stomach growl. We ate salads with ginger dressing before the main courses were served with white rice. Conversation around the table became difficult with the sounds of the food preparation and the voices of other diners rising as the evening went on.

I drank sake, Rainey a beer, and after a full bottle for me and a couple of beers for my lover, we were feeling loose and amorous. Being careful not to be seen, Rainey and I touched each other's thighs and slowly rubbed our way closer and closer to more private flesh.

Audrey had largely avoided making eye contact with me. Not in a cold way, generally she was attentive to whomever was speaking, and that was mostly Joyce. The first time I noticed her looking at me was well into the main course when Rainey leaned over to kiss my cheek and laugh at a joke Joyce had made about Tokyo being a romantic city for those young enough for such things. I couldn't help feeling sorry for Audrey in that moment.

It made me tense up, not wanting my ex-girlfriend to see Rainey showing me affection. If my current girlfriend noticed my reaction, she didn't show it. But I know Audrey had to have seen the way I looked a bit sheepish and didn't return Rainey's kiss or laughter. I wondered what Audrey was thinking right then. Her expression was even, her well-practiced mask probably fooling everyone else. I saw the truth, at least some of it, in the way her eyes narrowed slightly, the slight droop of her lips, the slow breath she let out before looking away.

I describe these moments because they are often the most difficult parts of spending time with Audrey after our breakup. I loved her. Honestly, deeply, loved her. Even my relationship with Rainey couldn't change that. And in those moments, where I should have been aglow with Rainey's love for me, I found myself instead drowning before Audrey's eyes. I couldn't fully push aside those underlying feelings for my ex, and it made me feel both guilty and ashamed to have Rainey so freely give me love which I couldn't yet match. Knowing that Audrey might not be as happy with her boyfriend as she'd let on previously only made that more difficult. Knowing that I had yet to tell Rainey that I loved her made each offered kiss, every loving touch from her, that much more difficult to accept and embrace.

But other than me and Audrey, there was no sign that anyone else was not enjoying every moment. Gwen and Vic chattered about how much they loved their shrimp and chicken. Rainey showed no sign that I was hesitant or a touch distant. Joyce, Theresa, and Herman were all drinking sake, as well, and by the end of the meal, they were very loose and flushed and laughing, relaxed in spite of whatever else might be going on at the table.

“Although I am well stuffed,” Herman said, leaning back in his chair, “I think I would like to go to the ice cream parlor just down the street. Anyone interested?”

Gwen and Vic both exclaimed, “Yes!”

I shrugged and looked at Rainey. She said, “Sure. Don't know where I'd put it, but maybe the walk over might free some space.”

We all thanked Joyce and Herman for the wonderful meal they bought us and left the restaurant, walking slowly down the street. Rainey took my hand and I held it loosely. I was all-too-aware that Audrey was right behind us with her mother.

The ice cream place was much like any other I'd been to, except the menu boards were in Japanese and the English language cards showed flavors I'd never seen, such as lychee, ginger and five-spice, wasabi, soy sauce, bitter melon, and one I had no interest at all in trying, squid ink. I opted for a safe play with mango and orange scoops. Rainey went with bitter melon. Both were good if nothing terribly superior to ice cream I'd had over the years. We took our desserts with us and walked further down the street.

Yawns were becoming common and Rainey told me, “I'm getting really sleepy...” after we'd finished our ice cream.

“Me too. Girls, ready to head back?”

They shrugged but generally agreed they were tired, so we thanked the couple again, gave quick hugs to everyone, and hailed a cab. My hug with Audrey was so awkward that I accidentally shouldered her chin. The resulting embrace was light and quick, one which felt as distant as any I'd ever known. She didn't meet my eyes when I looked at her face.

- - -

The next day was Christmas. I'd spent the holiday in a variety of locales, from New York to Mexico City, even Darwin, Australia. Tokyo felt less like a Christmas place. There were no decorations on the streets, no parades or celebrations prominently announced on signs or billboards. The hotel had a Christmas tree in the lobby, but that was the extent of their acknowledgement. Tokyo probably had a higher Christian population than most of Japan, due to the large number of Western businesspeople and travelers, but it didn't feel like that time of year that morning.

It was cool but not cold as we caught a cab to Theresa's home. Joyce and Herman had ordered a catered feast to be served all day, starting with a Southern US breakfast of grits and scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits, home fries, and toast with assorted jams and preserves.

Audrey showed no notice of the previous day's awkward moments, smiling and greeting me when we arrived just in time for breakfast, otherwise appearing pleasantly engaged in conversations with her mom or my daughters after the meal. Rainey and I went for a walk at one point, by ourselves, enjoying a long session of kissing in a small park nearby. She whispered those three words a couple of times, and, as before, I didn't return them. The longer that went on, I knew, the harder it was ever going to be to say it.

I knew what caused me to resist. It was Audrey, of course. I still held that special part of my heart for her, even after we'd spent considerably more time apart than we ever spent together. I did love Rainey, in the conventional sense, but it wasn't the same emotion as I'd felt for Audrey. Saying 'I love you' to Rainey would, it seemed, be unfair to what those words really meant when I'd whispered them to Audrey. I knew this was a problem, and I hoped to get through the vacation before Rainey pressed me for answers.

What I did have on my side was timing. We had only been dating a month or so. I felt like she had shared her feelings for me very early on, too early by my experiences, and not returning it was alright. We were still early, but now we were going on several weeks of me not saying it back, and that had to be obvious and festering to my lover. She had to be questioning my resistance. If she asked me to explain, or even just voiced awareness of the issue, I really don't know what I would have said. I certainly would not have talked about Audrey, and that means I was more than willing to lie in order to protect the truth.

But Rainey didn't mention it that day, content with laughing at my light jokes and enjoying our kisses and light petting. We returned to the house in time for lunch. I wasn't really hungry, but I sampled a bit of potato salad and fresh fruit. Thankfully, the lunch was light in anticipation of a more robust Christmas dinner later that evening.

There was no exchange of gifts, and for that, I was thankful. My daughters and I didn't take part in that. I'd explained to them early in life that it was largely a racket designed to encourage people to buy things not needed. Even if the intent was kindness, the result was a growing need to pursue gift giving as if it reflected on a person's character.

Gwen and Vic hadn't exactly been happy when that practice stopped when they were young, but they began to understand later, and I made sure they had times worth celebrating throughout the year where they got things they needed, and occasionally, things they really wanted, too.

Our hosts, likewise, did not exchange gifts, but they had a tradition of exchanging stories. It was a way of growing closer to each other, each person offering some poignant or important or eye-opening event as a way offering thanks to those listening, thanks for being supportive and loving.

My turn came early, after Joyce and Herman had gone, and I decided to talk about the first time I'd taken my daughters to a planetarium. They were about seven and eight at the time and we caught a show inside, one of those where the room goes really dark and they use a mechanical light display to simulate stars and planets and nebulas and all sorts of astronomical wonders.

I'd been to them many times in my life, so I sat between my girls and watched their faces. The amazement, the wonder, the awe I saw was so inspiring that I eventually bought us a telescope. The girls loved the show and they each swore they wanted to be astronomers when they grew up. “Naturally,” I concluded, “they have shifted their dreams slightly since then, but I'll always remember how much I loved seeing them positively stunned by something like that. It was the first time, that I recall, that science or nature caught their attention and kept it. It made me really value the experiences I could provide them over the years, and we've gone to see many amazing things, science-related things, in the time since that moment.”

“Lovely,” Joyce exclaimed, clapping her hands, “just lovely!”

Gwen and Vic offered their own stories, my eldest telling about the time she won a dance competition for the first time, and Vic described her first visit to Aruba's beaches.

And then it was Audrey's turn.

She was quiet as she gathered her thoughts. “My father died a few months ago,” she said quietly, “and it was really hard.” Her mother instantly took her hand. “But that's not the point, really. No... during that really hard time... a good friend... was there for me. Helping me get through it... offering every help which could be given. I don't know how I could have dealt with all that without that friend.”

I knew she meant me. Everyone in the room knew she meant me, except for Rainey.

“It taught me something. It taught me that there are really kind people. That... that I should set my sights higher. That I should not be okay with just doing the minimum. This friend was there for me, there for my mom, too, even when... even when things were complicated and difficult. I'll never forget any of that. I carry those memories with me every day. I can only hope that I can treat others the way my friend treated me.”

Silence greeted her as she finished.

Rainey broke that silence, completely oblivious to the rather large elephant in the room. “That was beautiful, Audrey... This sounds like a very good friend to have in your life. I hope you two are still very close.”

Audrey looked at her feet, then at Rainey. “It's complicated...”

“Ah,” Rainey replied and then grew silent.

There was an awkward moment of quiet before Joyce said, “Theresa, your turn!”

Whatever the woman said, I barely heard it. I had a lump in my throat, barely keeping my eyes from watering. I looked past Audrey, not at her, trying not to show how much I appreciated her thoughts, how much I wished things had gone differently, how I hated lying, by omission, to Rainey, how I wanted nothing more than for Audrey to know happiness in her life.

God, that moment was hard.

- - -

I sat on the bed with Gwen and Vic in my hotel room while Rainey showered, playing Uno.

Vic looked up from her hand and said, “Are you doing okay, Dad?”

“I'm fine,” I replied evenly, “why?”

Vic shrugged and said, “Just asking. You know, because Audrey's here...”

“It's fine...”

“Okay...” I could tell in Vic's tone that she wasn't convinced, but she didn't press it.

I wasn't wholly fine, but I wasn't about to tell my daughter that, and certainly not where Rainey might hear it.

Rainey came out in her nightshirt and looked rather sleepy. “Mind if I slide into bed? I'm quite tired.”

“Not at all, we can just go next door so we don't bother you,” I told her.

“Oh,” Rainey said, sitting down, a small frown on her face, “I, uh... oh, never mind. Go have fun.”

I caught the meaning in her quickly-shifted response, and I had conflicted thoughts about it. On the one hand, it was lovely that she wanted me to stay and cuddle with her, maybe even make love if we weren't too tired. On the other, I didn't like that she wanted me to cut short my time with my daughters in order to be alone with her. It was almost certainly not her intent to try to make me choose, but that was the consequence of her not-so-ambiguous disappointment.

I chose my daughters in that moment. Whether that was a sign of my resistance to Rainey and I becoming emotionally closer, or the effects of Audrey's reactions and story, or the just the obvious line in the sand where I'd pick my daughters over anyone every time, I don't really know. “I won't be out late, I promise,” I told Rainey as we collected our cards and got off the bed. I kissed her lips and offered a masked-smile.

“I love you, Darren,” she whispered.

I kissed her again.